If it makes you less sad, I will die by your hand
by Ana544
Summary: Ava Miller is an actress...or at least she should be. Can Fred Weasley break down her walls and save her before it's too late? Or will her history of eating disorders and self destruction eventually kill her?
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Note: This will eventually be a Fred Weasley love story story, may be triggering if you are recovering from an ED of any kind, so please be safe if you're reading this with a past of SI/ED. This will most likely be the shortest chapter, as it is just the intro. More coming soon.**

**I have edited the original, so if you are coming back, this is an improved version. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except my character and my plot.**

I groaned and rolled over as my alarm went off, warning me that it was 8:00. I had just three hours to pack and be on the train that would take me to the only place I felt like I belonged, Hogwarts.

I grew up in a muggle household after my Mother was killed in the battle against Voldemort fourteen years ago. My father resides in St. Mungos after being tortured to insanity by Belletrix Lestrange. He no longer recognized anyone, not even his own daughter. My muggle family is wonderful, don't get me wrong….they just…don't understand.

Beth and Frank are both in there late sixties and agreed to take care of me. Frank was my fathers babysitter when he was a child and was appointed my guardian after the death of my mother. They try their hardest to connect with me. To be open, but they can't quite understand. Everything they know seems to get tossed into the garbage when they look at me. The wizarding world is strange to them, almost scary. It took quite a bit of convincing for them to believe that I am indeed, a witch.

I rolled out of bed around 8:10 and slowly made my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash up. I looked in the mirror and sighed, yet again dissatisfied with the person looking back at me. I always had been…for as long as I could remember. I pinched at my waist and stomach, grimacing at the fat that still lingered on my body, even after the dieting that had taken place over the summer. Losing 15 pounds was still not enough….I could still improve. I had a lot of work to do.

I quickly looked away and hopped in the shower, trying not to let the mirror wreck my entire day.

Once I cleaned up and packed my things, I went to greet Beth.

"Hello Dear!" She said cheerily. "Frank wanted to be here to see you off, but he couldn't get out of his meeting this morning. He told me to send you his love….do you want breakfast this morning?"

"No thank you. I'll eat on the train" I lied, smiling.

"You sure? You never eat at home" She complained.

"There's no time anyway Beth. We have to be at the station in London in an hour."

"Oh alright." She sighed, grabbing her keys.

The twenty minute car ride was mostly silent as neither of us really had anything to say to the other. Once we arrived I thanked her for the ride and said goodbye. I got my luggage out of the car and put it into one of the carts. I went straight to the barrier between platforms 9 and 10 and pushed my cart straight through.

Smiling I boarded the train, ready to go home.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Authors Note: This is an AU Story. I've decided (for my own convenience) that Fred and George run the shop on weekends and decided to finish their schooling.**

**Another not so great chapter.. hoping to get this story rolling. As always, this story may be triggering so be safe. I do not own Harry Potter in any way shape or form. I only own the storyline and Ava. Please enjoy, and if you have time, review!**

I finally found the compartment that Fred, George and Lee were in and entered it. I was immediately attacked with hugs.

"Ava, it's great to see you." George all but yelled.

"Hey Ava, why didn't you write me?" Lee asked hugging me.

"Sorry" I replied. "I got busy" That was a lie. My summer couldn't have been less eventful. I worked out and slept. I just wasn't in the mood to hear about everyone else's fantastic summer.

"It wasn't just you she forgot about Lee." Fred pouted, crossing his arms.

"Don't be thick Fred" I replied, throwing my arms around him. He kept his arms at his side for a good ten seconds before complying with a tight bear hug, lifting me up in the air for a few moments.

"Have you lost weight?" He asked me when he let go.

"Of course not" I replied quickly, internally smiling, thrilled Fred noticed.

"How was your summer?" I asked the guys.

"Boring " Lee groaned.

"Kind of nerve wracking actually" George replied.

"Why?" Lee and I asked simultaneously.

"All the guys from the Order are still coming over. Things seem to be betting a lot worse now that You Know Who's return is out in the open." Fred answered

"Yeah, mum kept bugging us about how dangerous running the shop is"

"YOU'LL BE KILLED IN YOUR BEDS" The twins both yelled in a Mrs. Weasley (ish) voice.

"I'm sorry guys." I said sympathetically.

"Speaking of the shop, do you need any of our products for school?" Fred asked me.

"No money" I told him.

"They are free for you idiot." George said sounding annoyed. "What kind of friends do you think we are?"

I laughed and took some puking pastils, nosebleed nugget and instant darkness powder. Knowing at least one of the products would be of use to me in the near future.

The train ride consisted mostly of us talking about the new year and preparing for this years pranks (that would be a bit less drastic now that Umbridge was gone)

When we got to the great hall we saw what appeared to be our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher right away. He was a short, fat man who looked to be in his late sixties. He was talking to Professor Sprout and from the looks of it, he wasn't too happy.

The students were slightly more hushed than they were in previous years. These were dark times and most of us only had one thing on our minds. Voldemort's return. The first years looked even more nervous than usual as they stood in front of the rest of us.

The moment Dumbledore rose from his seat with the sorting hat, the room was silent.

Both the hat and Dumbledore had speeches that were less than cheery. When the speech and the sorting were over Dumbledore smiled.

"Now, I would like to introduce the new Potions Master. Professor Slughorn." He said as the short man we noticed earlier stood up.

Abruptly the entire hall broke into conversation. Almost everyone but the Slytherins looked outraged.

"That means Snape is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!" Harry hissed venomously.

The hall quieted down in time for the start of the feast to be announced.

Everyone dug in as I sipped at the water I poured myself.

"Aren't you going to eat Ava?" Fred asked a few minutes in, already starting his second helping.

"I'm not feeling well" I lied.

"Ahh that's too bad." Lee said sympathetically. "The feast is fantastic"

As dinner continued Fred kept looking at me when he assumed thought I wasn't paying attention. He looked almost…worried.

I picked up a piece of toast (88) and put some butter on it (74) so that I could get Fred to stop worrying. It worked.

The moment I took the first bite Fred stopped staring. I felt like I was going to gag. I spat out the partially chewed bread into a napkin and when I knew no one was looking, I put the napkin into a goblet next to me.

When the food finally disappeared the prefects lead us to the Gryffindor common room. The password this year was Oddsbodkins.

The moment everyone got in the common room conversation broke out. "He's really back" one boy who looked to be a 4th year said shaking his head.

"Harry has been telling the truth the whole time." Lavender Brown sighed.

"I believed him all along" Parviti chimed in.

"Bullshit" I said a little louder than I intended.

"Excuse me?" She asked.

"You and I fought about this last year. You said Harry was full of dung."

She was about to reply when Harry, Ron and Hermione entered the common room.

I ran to harry and gave him a hug. Grateful that I didn't have to continue the argument.

"I hope your summer was alright" I said.

He smiled and I moved on to Ron and Hermione. I had never been very close with the trio but last year the Weasleys, Hermione and I were a part of a very small minority that truly believed Harry when he told everyone about Voldemorts return.

The trio sat down with Fred, George, Ginny and I. We mostly made small talk about our summers, the weather, and up and coming quidditch teams. We tried to gain a sense of normality in our lives, a necessity in these times.

After and hour or so I started to feel tired. "I think I'm going to get some sleep" I announced, standing up.

Everyone said goodnight except Fred who got a strange look on his face before saying

"See you at Breakfast"

He knew something.

How the hell could he know? Why would it matter anyhow? Anyone who looked like me could stand to lose a few pounds. It was harmless. But still…I had to be more careful around him.

It was going to be a long term.


	3. Chapter 3

**This will eventually be a (sort of) romance if you stick with it for a while longer. Hope you guys like it…..and as always stay safe. This might be triggering (not so much in the last few chapters but it will get worse as the story progresses)**

I woke up with a splitting headache. The sun was just starting to creep its way above the trees of the forbidden forest. The rest of the girls were already awake and getting ready for breakfast. I groaned and rolled out of bed.

Angelina Johnson smiled at me. "You look half dead" she laughed.

"Thanks" I replied rolling my eyes and making my way toward the bathroom. I caught my reflection and sighed. It seemed like that piece of toast (even though I never swallowed it) still somehow went straight to my thighs. It seemed as if my stomach and thighs were twice the size they were the morning before.

I hopped into the shower, not able to look at my reflection any longer. I turned the temperature to the coldest setting, hoping my body would burn some calories trying to warm up.

After getting dried off and dressed, I walked into the common room, hoping that everyone had already gone down to breakfast so I could claim that I had slept in too late to go down to the great hall.

Everyone was gone except one boy with red hair.

Fred was sitting at the couch in front of the fireplace.

"Aren't you going to breakfast?" I asked him. He turned around, smiling.

"Angie told me you were running late, I thought I'd stay so you'd have someone to walk with" He told me, his blue eyes reflecting something other than the smile on his face.

"…ohh" I said trying to keep from sounding irritated. "Thanks."

"No Problem." He replied, that perfect Weasely smile still plastered on his face.

He stood up and linked his arm with mine and we walked to the great hall. Fred filled me in on the plans for future pranks that he and George had come up with. I smiled and nodded, not really paying attention. The only thing I could think of was breakfast and (more specifically) how to get out of it.

Fred sat next to me at the table, and watched as I got some water and a blueberry scone. He on the other hand, piled pancakes with an amazing amount of syrup all over it and tons of bacon on the side onto his plate. I shook my head marveling at his size after eating all that on a daily basis…if I tried that, I would be obese.

"You're awfully quite" George said after about ten minutes of me sitting in silence, picking at my food.

"Just tired" I smiled.

"Well it's boring, so stop" He said laughing.

"I'll get right on that George" I smiled.

He just laughed and dove into a conversation with Angie.

At one point George decided that things were getting to boring and he threw a grape at Fred.

"I refuse to participate in your childish games" Fred told him, trying to keep a straight face.

"Your life is a childish game Freddie" George replied and his twin nearly fell of his chair laughing.

I finished half of the scone (74.5) before we had to go to our first class. Potions.

We had our new teacher, Professor Slughorn, which gave me a slight hope of passing this potions was over, Transfiguration, then Care of Magical Creatures. Because it was the first day the teachers took it easy on us and before I knew it, we were on our free period. It was exceptionally warm for September and everyone was outside.

I sat with Angie and Katie by the lake and laughed as Fred and George swam, messing with the giant squid. Moments like these were rare. Everything was peaceful, free of any fear or doubt.

Everything was calm, carefree. I was actually laughing. I couldn't remember the last time a laugh or a smile that wasn't forced escaped from my lips. The boys eventually got out of the lake and shook their long red hair out onto us.

"Oh honestly boys" Katie yelled laughing "Are we first years again?"

The twins looked at each other and nodded. They picked Katie up and threw her in. She screamed and came out of the water looking less than pleased.

Draco Malfoy walked by and scowled. "Wow. The future of the wizarding world right in front of us, doesn't look too good does it boys?" He smirked looking to his left where Crabbe was laughing.

"Go to hell Malfoy. We're just having some fun….don't you have some sort of death eater duties to carry out?" I said, feeling brave. Suddenly everyone in the area was watching us.

He looked me up and down then sneered. "Your parents are lucky they aren't in a right state of mind Ava. They don't have to live down the disappointment and shame of having a fatass daughter who hangs out with blood traitors."

Fred jumped up and pointed his wand at Draco, suddenly serious. "Take. That. Back." He yelled.

"Hold your tongue Weasel. Your family is a bunch of mudblood lovers. Don't pretend you're not." He snapped.

"You KNOW that's not what I was talking about" Fred yelled back.

By now everyone was staring and Professor Snape was walking toward us.

I stood up and took Freds arm, making him lower his wand. "He's not worth it" I whispered, trying to hide the emotion in my voice.

"Ohh…you've got yourself a girlfriend, how cute" Malfoy laughed and we walked away.

"Fucking git" George said as we headed toward the castle.

"Don't listen to him Ava, you're parents would have been very proud of you" Katie said, venom in her voice.

"And you're gorgeous. He's just an ass" Fred chimed in. His hands were shaking, as they always did when he was angry.

I just smiled. "It's fine guys…really. I don't care what Voldemorts supporters' think of me"

Katie and Angelina both winced after I said his name.

In all honesty, I was grateful to Draco. He put me back on track. He was the only one who had been honest with me. I was fat. I was a disgrace….and I was stupid for even thinking that I could get away with eating again.


End file.
